Common Sense

This post was originally going to be titled “How much wood could a woodchipper chip if a woodchipper could chip you?” I rented Woodchipper Massacre and was all excited when I popped it into the DVD player. Dead Mary had been sort of iffy and I was looking forward to some good gore.

And then after about 20 minutes me and the dog (who normally covers his head with the covers when we watch scary movies) got bored and turned it off.

There had already been a death (with an official Rambo survival knife) and an Aunt Tess who had been hacked up and put in the freezer to harden so that she wouldn’t gum up the rented woodchipper. Still, this ranks up there with Nail Gun Massacre. Not scary and not gory. Just kinda lame.

Thank God for Time Warner Cable Movies on Demand!

I found a good ol’ fashioned ’secret backstory to explain why certain teens are getting sliced and diced while the lead survivor girl figures out what is going on while staying alive’ kind of movie. You don’t see many of those anymore; not since Scream made the characters too hip and knowledgeable about being in a horror movie-type situation. No Drive-Thru is an old school fun horror movie with just the right amount of comedy to get you to the next death scene.

The best part, the killer is Horny the Clown, the mascot of the local burger place, Hellaburger. He uses a suped up meat cleaver to teach the teens of the parents who tormented and… I almost gave away the back story.

You won’t recognize any of the actors in Drive-Thru, which had amazingly high production values for something I assume went straight to DVD. I mean, real money. The killer clown costume was no retard stuntman in a hockey mask. No, that puppy was hand-crafted by a biz professional. Survivor girl Mackenzie Carpenter (Leighton Meester), if you’ve seen her before it’s because you went to high school with her (or you saw her in her two episodes of House where she was the underage girl trying to get into his pants). Her boyfriend Fisher (Nicholas D’Agosto) probably won’t ever be in a movie again.

Spotting the cameo from docu-star Morgan Spurlock as the Hellaburger manager will be the only “Hey, don’t I know that guy from somehwere?” moment in the film.

This film has instant cult classic written all over it. It’ll be fun to see what else writers/directors Shane Kuhn and Brendan Cowles come up with for an encore.

I’d have to give Drive-Thru 4 out of 5 early versions of Frylock.

Next on the grill, I whip out my magic wand make some words magically appear after watching Harry Potter: And the Order of the Phoenix. I also will review The Breed, starring Michelle Rodriguez, which is just like The Killer Shrews, only with dogs… and Michelle Rodriguez. And I’ll give Incubus, starring Tara Reid another chance. I’ve watched the first 45 minutes and don’t get the point, but then again its starring Tara Reid, so I’m not sure there’s a point to get.