Common Sense

I’ve become such a regular at Two Minnies, the strip club, that me, a waitress and two of the dancers are supposed to go play pool at Cricket’s Sunday night. Lexi seemed like she would want to back out because “I’m don’t know how to play pool.” But Autumn and Tracey will go, so long as nothing serious happens to Chubs and I don’t cancel.

But, if things go according to plan, though, the night might go something like this:

The TV Love Island hunk was videoed during a frenzy of drug-fuelled depravity lasting three hours. Sex toys and a cat-o’-nine-tails whip were used as he: SNORTED lines of cocaine off a glass table while the naked vice girls looked on.LICKED the Class A drug off one hooker’s body and let both women pleasure him at once — before romping with each in turn. SHOUTED at one of them to “take a f*****g line” as drugs were laid out … Then he dropped his pants as the girls — who used a rolled-up banknote to snort coke off a glass table — simultaneously pleasured him. Calum necked vodka and wine as he switched partners or romped with both. Gripped by lust he used his mobile phone to film a girl pleasuring him — just as he did with MICK JAGGER’s daughter JADE. After nearly three hours the girls asked a complaining Calum to leave — only for him to demand they should “learn some manners”.

The Sun actually has the names of the two, um, whores? that he videotaped himself with. One was Brazilian, so… way to go?!? I saw Touristas (God forgive me) and they are hotties.

What is it with videotaping anyway. I don’t even want the people I’m having sex with to see me naked, let alone on really bad VHS. God forbid a girl wanted to videotape our “romp” with an HD digital videocamera. You know, just so she could reminisce about just how pasty white my butt is.

Anyway, I’ll make sure my camera phone is fully charged so you guys can see all the “action.” And by action, I mean we’ll probably embarass ourselves with how bad we are at pool by about 9 p.m., I’ll get a kiss on the cheek from both dancers because I’m a good tipper and I drink water so I don’t have whiskey breath when I flirt (which they appreciate).

Then I’ll go home, sad and alone to watch Adult Swim cartoons or something. Oh my God, that’s pathetic.

I’ve become such a regular at Two Minnies, the strip club, that me, a waitress and two of the dancers are supposed to go play pool at Cricket’s Sunday night. Lexi seemed like she would want to back out because “I’m don’t know how to play pool.” But Autumn and Tracey will go, so long as nothing serious happens to Chubs and I don’t cancel.

But, if things go according to plan, though, the night might go something like this:

The TV Love Island hunk was videoed during a frenzy of drug-fuelled depravity lasting three hours. Sex toys and a cat-o’-nine-tails whip were used as he: SNORTED lines of cocaine off a glass table while the naked vice girls looked on.LICKED the Class A drug off one hooker’s body and let both women pleasure him at once — before romping with each in turn. SHOUTED at one of them to “take a f*****g line” as drugs were laid out … Then he dropped his pants as the girls — who used a rolled-up banknote to snort coke off a glass table — simultaneously pleasured him. Calum necked vodka and wine as he switched partners or romped with both. Gripped by lust he used his mobile phone to film a girl pleasuring him — just as he did with MICK JAGGER’s daughter JADE. After nearly three hours the girls asked a complaining Calum to leave — only for him to demand they should “learn some manners”.

The Sun actually has the names of the two, um, whores? that he videotaped himself with. One was Brazilian, so… way to go?!? I saw Touristas (God forgive me) and they are hotties.

What is it with videotaping anyway. I don’t even want the people I’m having sex with to see me naked, let alone on really bad VHS. God forbid a girl wanted to videotape our “romp” with an HD digital videocamera. You know, just so she could reminisce about just how pasty white my butt is.

Anyway, I’ll make sure my camera phone is fully charged so you guys can see all the “action.” And by action, I mean we’ll probably embarass ourselves with how bad we are at pool by about 9 p.m., I’ll get a kiss on the cheek from both dancers because I’m a good tipper and I drink water so I don’t have whiskey breath when I flirt (which they appreciate).

Then I’ll go home, sad and alone to watch Adult Swim cartoons or something. Oh my God, that’s pathetic.