Common Sense

I was over talking to “The Little Girl” as my mom refers to her (she’s in her 30s) about how much Dr. Makes me Hurl sucks and how everything else seems to be going great, especially all the drugs I’m on.

Then, on a lark, I decided to check my mailbox to see if anyone had sent me anything. Once, while I was still home, some lawyer brought a bunch of business cards and talked to Dan Genz for half an hour about how I had given Barbara Ann Radnofsky absolutely zero chance to win her senate race. Plus, my takeout menu from Taste of China and a VHS tape of some Adult Swim shows that were sent to us as a promo are in there.

Lo and behold, there was my freakin’ phone!

I literally fell on the floor laughing so hard. I laughed harder then when I sent Sasha Grey this blog post and embedded video. People thought I was crashing on coke or speed or something (It’s the Effexor, that stuff gets me so up, it’s not even funny. And I’m on 75mg now.)

There was an 800-number to call and after and extended wait the operator talked to my mom on another line and got my phone reactivated free of charge.

I was down a little. I was ready to use some garat wire on somebody to make them talk. And I saw this great scene in The Good Shepherd last night where they were torturing this Russian to see what his real name was. After beating him senseless, they dosed him with LSD “we’ve had moderate effects as a truth serum,” stripped him naked, held him to a wooden chair, put a black hood over his head and then held his head back while pouring icy water out of a rusty bucket over his mouth. Then he jumps out a window.
I really wanted to do that to a janitor so that I could get my beloved phone back. But, it was in my mailbox.

The only person who knew it had to be my phone and not the other clerk’s was the desk guy Shorts. He’s new and he left after me, must have seen that I left my phone on my desk, then put it in my mailbox so that no janitor would steal it. I’m going to write him a thank you email.

Shorts obviously isn’t his real name. It rhymes with it, but I already explained to him how I use pseudonyms for people here and Shorts was the best I could come up with off the top of my head.