Common Sense

That I would never be able to keep from blurting out really inappropriate things.

For instance, if I had been a senator on the Judiciary Committee listening to Alberto Gonzales’ testimony last Thursday, I might have said something like…

Sen. Me: “Excuse me, Mr. Chairman, but I would like to move that we formally nominate Attorney General Gonzales for Biggest Douche in the Universe. Can I get a second?”

Sen. Feinstein: ” I second the motion.”

Sen. Leahy: “The motion to nominate AG Gonzales for Biggest Douche in the Universe has been made and seconded. All those in favor say ‘Aye.’”

“Aye!”

Sen. Leahy: “All opposed?”

Sen. Hatch: (In a pipsqueak and slightly senile voice) “Nay.”

Sen. Leahy: “The ayes have it. Good luck Mr. Gonzales, we’ll all be rooting for you!”

At least that’s how it played out in my head.

It’s funny that I think I’ll never hold public office, because I have. When I was going to MCC, I was elected student government vice president. On the day of the elections, I talked a very attractive friend of mine with enormous boobs into walking around the campus with me all morning. The reason I consider that instrumental to my winning office was because she walked around wearing a bikini top and Daisy Dukes with “Vote For Nate for VP” written magic marker around her navel.

I won with 95% of the vote. Then I talked her into climbing into the fountain in front of the Performing Arts Building and letting me take pictures of her splashing around. That was a great day.

Then I got removed from office over a sex scandal in which no sex took place. And the woman who instigated to removal cheated on her husband with the nasty president of Phi Theta Kappa and got herpes. So the universe pretty much evened everything out in the end.

Sen. Sessions: “Do you recall that meeting and where it took place?”

Gonzales: “Senator, I have searched my memory. I have no recollection of the meeting. My schedule shows a meeting for 9:00 on November 27th, but I have no recollection of that meeting.”

Sen. Sessions: “And this was not that long ago. This was in November of last year?”

Gonzales: “According to my calendar, November 27th.”

Sen. Sessions: “And Mr. Sampson seemed to indicate that he really — he understood it was a momentous decision, that there would probably be political backlash. He’d even performed some outline about how that should be managed. And you don’t recall any of that?”

Gonzales: “Senator, I can only testify as to what I recall. Believe me, I’ve searched my mind about this meeting. I’d have no reason not to talk about this meeting.”

Sen. Me: “Well, Mr. Attorney General, can you recall last year’s White House Christmas Party?”

Gonzales: “I don’t recall.”Sen. Me: “You don’t remember drinking way too much egg nog and passing out on the men’s room floor?”

Gonzales: “But I don’t recall.”

Sen. Me: “I got my friends to take your picture with my penis in your mouth to post on fugly.com. You don’t remember that?”

Gonzales: “Senator … I don’t recall remembering.”

That would be really funny, so you should definitely vote for me when I run. Or not, whatever. At least I’m not a nutjob like Tom Coburn, ranting about “favoring the death penalty for abortionists” even though I had performed abortions and sterilizations as a doctor, or my favorite, that teen girls weren’t allowed to go to bathrooms in groups in southeastern Oklahoma because of “rampant lesbianism.”

The really scary thing is that even he is against Gonzo.