Common Sense

In just under a week, I will undergo surgery on my knee and I can’t wait. I actually have an intense fear of needles, doctors and surgery, but I’m still looking forward to it. It’s been almost five months since I was last able to walk. I mean really walk. I’ve limped, I’ve hobbled and I’ve been through hell trying to deal with chronic pain. It got so bad that I had to rely on a cane to make it around. Most nights I can’t even make it 10 feet to the bathroon without using it.

There have been some good days. But the time without pain was all too brief and my leg has faltered again everytime.

I’ve tried to describe the pain so people can understand what I’m going through, but it’s not really easy to describe and not easy to imagine. It often feels like I’ve had a spike driven down through my knee so that I can’t move it. It locks and hurts and that’s not even the worst of it. My thigh also hurts, assumedly because of the knee. A good day means it only feel like I’ve run a marathon and its sore. A bad day is like the worst charlie horse you can imagine in your thigh that lasts for hours.

Obviously, with that level of pain, eventually I turned to pain killers. I’ve been on those for over a month now and they actually don’t help all that much. Even when I remove some of the pain it still hurts and I still can’t walk. And the thing I’m most afraid of is waking up after surgery next Thursday so my doctor can tell me he has no idea what’s wrong and how to fix it and good luck with that never being able to walk again thing.

But I’m trying to stay in a positive frame of mind. This is going to work, mostly because it has to, and after a little healing time I’ll be walking around. In fact, I’m so positive that I’m going shopping for running shoes Saturday. The second I’m able to, I’m going for a run. And I’m going to run some more, just because I’ll be able to.

For now, I just have to fill out paperwork and get my pre-op work done today. And wait.