Common Sense

You thought I had missed it, but I didn’t. When the possible return of Jesus is at hand, I sit up and take notice. Brangelina gave birth this weekend to Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt in a private Namibian hospital Saturday.

I have a theory that Tomkitten, the child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is actually the antichrist. How insane Cruise is coupled with the vacant stares of Holmes just reminds me of Rosemary’s Baby. You know, once Holmes found out that she was carrying the spawn of Satan, it was just like the crib scene in Rosemary’s Baby and she would rather bring about the apocalypse than destroy it. Also, the horns and the tail are why we haven’t seen any pictures of little Suri Cruise.

If Tomkitten is the antichrist, then surely our lord and savior must not have been far behind. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are perhaps the two most perfect people on the planet. Their genes could only combine to form something that was God-like. The fact that it is a baby girl as well and that they celebrated its birth by donating $300,000 dollars to help other babies being born in Namibia finally seals the deal for me. The kid is two days old and has already saved thousands of lives; what could be more Christ-like?

Think about it. It is just the opposite of what happened when Herod ordered the death of all the newborn baby boys.

God the father thought ahead this time. He thought to Himself “If I put Him with two super rich Hollywood actors who are universally beloved then surely Jesus will survive this trip. And I’ll make Him a girl this time, cuz ain’t nobody gonna f**k with Brad Pitt’s daughter.” Or something like that.

I am going on record now to say that I believe Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt is indeed the return of Jesus. We’ll be holding prayer groups starting next Wednesday and I’ll start researching tax exempt status for this new church as soon as possible. We must pray that she can deliver us from the evils of Tomkitten, and what will surely be a film career loaded with crappy summer blockbusters that make us want to slit our wrists. In Shiloh’s name, amen.