Common Sense

Michael Jackson has found a way around his public image and legal woes: visiting orphanages in Japan. Think about it, it’s perfect. Where the wheels always come off for him is dealing with sick kids’ parents. Orphans equals easy lay.

Plus the Japanese seem to still love him; they’d be happy to dump some of their excess children off on on him.

After weaving through dozens of screaming adult fans outside the downtown orphanage, Jackson was ushered into a gymnasium, where more than 160 children between the ages of 3 and 18 and nuns in gray uniforms waited.

“I love you,” Jackson told the cheering crowd. Then he whispered to his translator, apparently asking how to say the phrase in Japanese. Then he said: “Aishiteru!”

He then followed by saying “There must be something lost in the translation. I mean I literally will love you long time. Hours and hours. Funky butt-lovin’.”

At which point all the children and the nuns started screaming and running to the doors only to find they had been locked. What kind of sick bastard molests children and nuns… oh wait, none of that actually happened.

MTV Japan actually did give him an award, though. Yeah. That’s not as funny as the child molestor thing. I’m sorry, the “acquitted alleged child molestor.”