Common Sense

Instead of having our movie viewing night tonight, a whim from Space Monkey led to us doing it last night. That’s when I revealed what the super secret movie was.

I gave him and Sailor Moon a final chance to guess before plopping the DVD in the tray and waiting for the menu screen to show the title: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

There were high fives all around.

Super cheesy and campy, it was exactly what we wanted it to be. The look is definitely 70s exploitation, though it was filmed in 2001. I came across a few weeks ago watching DVDuesday on Attack of the Show! on G4. The title alone would have been enough for me (just like Snakes on a Plane) but it good a good review and lots of film festival acclaim.

It centers on Jesus being in Canada trying to rid the world of lesbian vampires. I know, Canada? Anyway, he uses some righteous kung fu to kick some unholy ass, he gets a haircut and pierces his ears and his sidekick Mary Magnum (another lesbian) helps him pick out some retro duds.

He doesn’t do a very good job of being a savior, Johnny Golgotha and his lesbian vampire cohorts turn Mary into one of the undead and Jesus has to turn to the one man who can help him… luchadore champ El Santos!

Job one for the duo is to go back to the thrift store to find out where the vampire hangout is. Turns out it is a place called the Dominion Club. Faetured headliner: Blind Johnny Leper.

Next thing you know, Jesus is on stage doing a little scatting before switching to the drums and kicking out a swinging beat. All holy hell breaks loose once he offs the first vampire using his drum sticks. Then it is a race between the Son of God and El Santos to kill vampires with differing objects. Wooden chair legs, homemade wooden stakes, a toothpick and a plunger.

Once again, though, Jesus fails and El Santos and his assistant, Miss Oddbottom (who everyone feels compelled to play grab ass with). It’s all thanks to El Santos falling in love with one of the lesbian vampires.

Another twenty minutes later, it is the showdown between good and evil as Jesus and Johnny face off, using kung fu and various car parts to do battle in a junkyard. A live TV camera catches the action while Jesus (who explains that he is everywhere) also uses his awesome powers to beat down a demented doctor vampire in another location. Have you ever seen someone use kidneys as boxing gloves? You will.

It all ends as it should, with Jesus being triumphant and Mary being returned to normal, along with her new lesbian lover, one of the vampires. El Santos gets his lesbian vampire as a new girlfriend (turns out she was bi) and there was much rejoicing. Jesus even cops a feel on Miss Oddbottom before the credits roll.

The movie does seem to drag on, but the visuals are fun and there is no end to the conversation pieces in the movie. The plot holes, religious blasphemy and general weirdness of the story aside, it is what we were looking for. It was something to watch that didn’t require a lot of attention or thinking. I give it 3 out of 5 upside down crucifixes.

Sometime this weekend, the Mission Impossible III review.